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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!