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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.