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is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Been there, done that. allegedly
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.