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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.