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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
take me drunk i`m home
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.