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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
My life coach just benched me.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.