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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....