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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before