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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I need new swear words.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.