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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.