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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.