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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
really vry funny
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
You had me at 0 mutual friends
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis