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Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.