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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Gun Control: Use both hands
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?