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Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married