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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
bras are booby-traps
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.