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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.