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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.