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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
No pants are the best pants.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!