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The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.