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condoms prevent minivans
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.