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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol