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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.