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My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.