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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Hard butter is the devil.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.