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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"