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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?