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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I should come with a warning label.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!