Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.