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How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.