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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.