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Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling