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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?