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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Save time. See it my way.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?