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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.