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I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.