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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?