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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..