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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.