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I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues