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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves