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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more