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Will be drunk until further notice.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.