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Partying on my level requires years of training.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.