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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.