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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.