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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."