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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.