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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."