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Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.