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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.