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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.