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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.