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When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.