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I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...