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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face